In the 1960s, Dr. Thomas A. Harris wrote a revolutionary book, I’m OK-You’re OK, that explored the concepts of four major “life positions.” Over 50 years later, those amazing major concepts he explained are still being talked about and explored extensively in multiple fields.
You can think of these ideas as being particular points along a horizontal axis and a vertical axis. The horizontal axis ranges from Minus Others to Plus Others, with the vertical axis ranging from Minus Me to Plus Me.
The sought-after state is the +,+ where both participants or both groups are working together equally without any power deficits or negative emotions. In the ideal state, both parties are coming from a place of confidence, cooperation, courage, creativity, and care.
It’s important to understand that the optimal state is challenging to maintain. For human beings, there is the ongoing possibility and probability of multiple state changes taking place in very short spans of time. The life positions change constantly throughout a conversation, a meeting and a day.
It has been scientifically explained that neurochemical changes in the brain accompany specific life positions being utilized. The correlation between stressful mindsets and the production of cortisol in the amygdala results in brain “lockdown” of executive function and triggers the primitive flight-or-fight reaction.
Conversely, positive mindsets and the production of oxytocin result in high-level brain function and feelings of social inclusion and trust.
Knowing that these chemical reactions are occurring and that they can be controlled by one’s mental state, it can be useful to remember the acronym STOP:
- S stands for step back. It is important to pause, breathe and reflect.
- T is for think. What is my life position right now? Is this position useful or not useful? What do I want?
- O is for orientating. What is in your power to do to change your mood?
- P is simply to proceed when you have decided your best course of action.
It can be beneficial to contemplate the scenarios in your life and how you interact in them. The truth is that you have the power to make the changes necessary to choose to operate in the “I have value, and you have value” life position most of the time. It may be challenging at first, but you’ll quickly find with a bit of conscious effort, you can improve relationships with coworkers, friends, and family.
This article has previously been featured on Forbes